Wine and cheese randoms

So, it's been awhile...

Interesting, when I first started this blog I figured it would be a great way to express myself outwardly.  You see, I used to think that although I have many friends, I feel that I have very few that are close enough to me that I feel free to express those things that are truly internal.  I mean, don't get me wrong, those who know me know that I'm pretty much an open book.  However, there are still those things that, with only a few, you share.  And even at that, I really didn't have anyone.  So, why not do it to the wide open public of the world wide web?  (Sounded good at the time...)

Now, when I started these postings, I was in a very different place than where I am now.  At the time I felt the need to analyze my internal thought process.  Figure out who I was, where I was going, even where I was.  Life, as I knew it, was in turmoil.  Ok, not turmoil (I don't really do that extreme), but everything that I thought I knew really wasn't.  I did know that much, but I didn't know where things would take me and what was to come.  Things are different now....

I think my analyzing has proven to me that I knew the answers all along....

I don't really need the answers.  I know who and what I am and where I came from.  I know what I want and where I am going.   I know that those who are close to me and remain in my life do so for a reason.  They see in me what I do.  As for the rest, they come and go and sometimes it's fun, but ultimately they don't really matter.  I don't mean to sound cynical, it's simple really.  They don't.  Those that stick are of substance.  They 'get' it.  They 'get' me in all my freaky nuances and habits.  I am to them what I am to myself...Special, unique, fun and utmost worthy.

To the few of you who all into this category I thank you.  To those of you who don't, well I am truly sorry for you because you don't know what you are missing.  But that's where it ends.  To those of you to come who will fit and are special too I look forward to the opportunity, good times and great memories ahead.

May all of you take the time to reflect on all the good that has come over the past year.  Embrace it, remember it, learn from it and continue to bring and pay it forward with you.

Cheers to a very Merry Christmas and all the best to everyone in 2010! 
May you find solace and comfort in you.

TTFN
Stephanie

I've got a feeling!

Ever have an intense feeling wash over you?  Makes you wonder where it came from and why.  At the same time it tugs at the corners of your mouth and pulls your heart strings.

I just had one of those.  It was a "WOW - I'm really grateful I am who I am.  I am thankful having made decisions that most always work in my favour.  Everything I touch turns to gold."

Ok, so it doesn't turn to gold...But I think you get the drift.  Life hasn't always been easy and not all my choices have been good ones.  Even when they weren't though everything seems to work out in the end.  In the face of adversity I have persevered.  At the base of a challenge I have climbed unabated. 

WOW - I am quite full of myself today.  Well, so be it.  I'm allowed, albeit publicly humble (who said this blog was public?)

Someone recently told me that I must have a guardian angel, or a lucky star.  Maybe they are right.  Perhaps someone, or something out there has greater plans for me than even I can fathom.

Then again maybe it's just a little common sense; or having faith, confidance and self belief; or even a desire to want good things - for me and for others.....Whatever it is I've got that feeling and I'm embracing it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aSbKvm_mKA

Today's stuff

Just so you know, before I even get started, things aren't quite right with me today.  It's a culmination of sickness, being a woman during that 'time' and the world gone freaking crazy.  Not me, no.  I'm completely sane.  It's everyone and everything else that's gone bonkers.

Things that bug me...
1) When someone is tasked to do a job but they only do half of it, or even just parts of it and then the rest is left to you to complete.  Honestly, how can you say you did the job when you didn't?  Then, I guess, perhaps, it only matters to me because it obviously does NOT matter to you that you didn't do your job.

2) Angry, bitter people.  You know them.  The guy at work who hates the world and everything in it but it's everyone elses fault but his.  Here you are all happy, whistling, humming, chair dancing in your seat and he's sitting there glaring at you and bitching to all his buddies about how annoying you are.  Seriously?  Get over yourself and be happy about something, heck - ANYTHING - for a change.  Am I really ruining your life by whistling a happy tune?

3) "Send me an email and we'll get to it when we can".  I'm a planner.  What, exactly are planning people supposed to do with that??  Even moreso, how do I explain that to a client??

4) People who don't RSVP.  Ok, so I haven't planned anything worthy of an RSVP as of late, but this is one that will always get me.  I understand, perhaps you aren't a planner, but at some point you know what you'll be doing that Saturday night.  And if you truly don't?  At the very least you RSVP with a 'maybe' and make sure to only show up when it's a free for all (like not for dinner, or if there's a specific occupancy or somethin').  I mean really.  Either you have no respect whatsoever for other peoples time and efforts they put in to planning something fun for you; or you are just waiting in case something better comes along - which is just rude frankly.  I mean it's an RSVP - I even asked politely.  The very least you can do is respond - somehow/someway!

5) And while on the topic of non-comittal people...When you commit to a TEAM sport, you commit to the team.  It's not about you.  You want 'ME' time?  Do it on a day when you have not committed to the TEAM.  Look up the definition of commitment - seriously.  You aren't letting yourself down when you break the commitment.  Or are you?

6) Zits.  Seriously, I'm 33 years old (will be 34 in a little over a month).  I mean really WTF?  Life is cruel.

And lastly..
7) Pants that don't stay up.  I'm not a small girl, I have curves that things can hug.  But noooooo....


Things I like:
1) Laughing
2) Loving
3) Living - even with the things that bug me!
4) Being me

Stephie out!

Been a while...

It's been some time since I've been here!  I've looked at it, and started to post something, but then thought either 'they don't need to know that' or 'nah, that's not even interesting to me!'.  So, why bother?  (I'm sure there's some therapeutic or entertaining idea here, but whatever...)

Alas, the world has gone crazy today, and maybe so have I. 

Got up early this morning (6:30 - perhaps not early for some), said good morning and good bye to my house guest and put on a pot of brew - the last of my Starbucks French Roast.  Then who knows where the next 2 hours went!  Finally made it out of the apartment - yes showered and dressed - by 8:30.  Get into my car and realize I'm running on empty.  Drive by one gas station - 108.4 - WTF?  Seriously I don't understand gas prices and likely never will.  Get to the next - 108.4 - WTF?  Damn, I need gas though so I pull in and insert my card to pay at the pump.  Put in all my info, it authorizes and then spits out a bill for $68.00.  WTF?  I didn't even pump any gas yet!  I storm into the gas station just buzzing.  More from the entire pot of coffee than in anger.  They ensure me that it was just a printing problem, that my card was not charged and that I should just go pump my gas and not be so lazy (ok they didn't really say that) and pay the attendant.  I'm not pleased at this time, but I do as they say.

Head down to Starbucks because I haven't eaten, and of course I need more coffee!  The lineup is crazy!!!  So I say 'screw it I'll go to Woodroffe' and I leave.  Attempting to get out of the parking lot proved quite difficult as it seemed no one knew there were actually 2 lanes of traffic!  So after almost being cut off three times I head on my merry way!!

Get to my 2nd Starbucks stop and this lady decides to try and park beside me.  Well, apparently she's never parked her tiny Corolla before - because it took her at least 5 tries and 3 near misses of my vehicle before she had secured her spot and given me enough room to get out!  Finally I have my coffee and yogurt and apple fritter 'cause I need sugar now too and I head on my merry way!

Finally get into work - it's 9:30 and I'm late but there's no one here (that matters) so that's OK!  Instant MSN's start coming in...One coworker is having phone sex with a client's communication centre and another wants to do another's elbow divots!  HAHA  (OK, this made a whole lot more sense when you saw the messages).

Alas, email has come in and ruined my train of thought and taken me from my happy place.

Not all is fair in love and war.  And regardless of how integral people say they are, there are never such ways in divorce! 

On a better note, I checked, and I didn't get charged the $68.00 for gas that didn't belong to me!

Five signs this one isn't "the one" (courtesy SingleEdition.ca)

I saw this article today and it resonated.  So to anyone out there in a relationship, contemplating getting in or out of one or even along - have a read and maybe it will resonate with you too...
--------------------------------------

If you’ve ever been in a relationship, no doubt at some point you’ve found yourself confused as to whether you should keep it going or end it and move on. And if you are like most people, it can be a really difficult decision. Wrapped up in your own emotional hurricane, torn between your heart saying, “I love him/her” and something else inside saying, “But you are unhappy!”, it’s almost impossible to find the truth.




Instead, we end up waffling in indecision, trying to keep the relationships going, confused and totally handicapped to make the best decision for ourselves.



And who can blame us for this lack of clarity? After all, we’ve been brainwashed for generations – by fairy tales, movies, and bad training – to believe that when you love someone you must stay and fight, forever if need be, right? Wrong! The truth is that love has little to do with the choice to stay or go. Once you love someone you love that person forever, but that doesn't mean that they are the best life partner for you. If you wait around for the day you fall out of love with someone before making the decision to leave, you’ll either cling on forever or drive the relationship to dramatic and devastating proportions to justify ending it – both bad ideas. The truth is that people don’t fall out of love, they fall out of intimacy, trust and respect. There are 3 foundations of a great relationship, and they can be really hard to retrieve when they’re gone.



So the next time you find yourself standing at the crossroads of evaluating if this person is really for you, check in on these five telltale signs that he or she probably isn't the one for you.



Your intuition is trying to get your attention. If you are getting signs or feelings that maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you, it’s probably not. The worst action you can take is to slough off the signs and not give them the credence they warrant. Signs can range from voices in your head (no, you aren’t schizophrenic, it’s your intuition talking!), to feelings in your gut like anxiety and dread or just a sixth sense (you shouldn't be nervous on your wedding day, excited, yes, full of anxiety, no), to visual cues like dreams and visions. Intuition is your best friend and it never lies. So many people could have saved themselves a lot of suffering if they would have just listened to what their intuition was telling them all along.



You’ve bought into The Blip Effect. You get excited about the slightest degree of change in your guy or girl, believing the big change is just around the corner. You use that blip to carry you through the following months when you wait … and wait … and wait for the big change to come. Best case, they stay at the same place the minor blip moved them to. Worst case, they revert back to the way they were. Usually, they land somewhere in between, but always you are left to call on your reserves of hope that one day this person will be the partner you want. He or she hardly ever is. You are on a roller coaster – the Blip Effect – using the highs to sustain yourself, forgetting how crappy you feel the rest of the time. This is not a ride you want to be on.



You talk more about him or her and your relationship than you do about your own life and dreams. People who have great relationships don’t spend very much time talking about them to others. They talk about their lives and their partners, yes, but there is nothing really to say about the relationship, because it works. People in unhappy or mediocre relationships complain, analyze, and seek input on their relationship and their partner from others all the time. They spend more time talking about their mate – what he’s doing, what she’s not – than they do on sharing themselves and their own lives.



Your Happiness Gauge says so. One of the most telling questions you can ask yourself is, “Am I happy?” It’s really simple to answer, yes or no, and it’s hard to lie. If your answer is No or if it goes something like, “Well, sometimes, but then other times, blah blah blah…” something might be up with your choice in a mate. If you are not happy, you owe it to yourself to take three actions: 1. Determine what you really want from your life. 2. Determine what you really want from a partner. 3. Tell your partner what you want first for your life, then from a partner, and then ask “Can you and will you be that partner?” They will tell you the truth. It’s your job to listen.



Your fights are not fair. Yes, all couples fight, but if your fights are of the dramatic and hurtful type, no matter how much your heart says you love him or her, your heart has to love you more. Unfortunately, we can still love someone and be in an abusive or toxic relationship, and verbal, emotional and mental abuse counts. You have to respect yourself enough to demand respect from your partner. And, if you aren’t getting that respect or giving that respect back, there’s something unhealthy going on. You have two choices: fix it with therapy and counseling – together and separate – or end the relationship.



The reason so many of us stay in relationships even though they don’t make our lives better or don’t help us to create the lives we really want is not because we are afraid to face the truth, it’s because we are afraid to face the consequences of the truth – being alone, admitting that we’ve made a mistake, hearing what other people will say or think – so we use love as a reason to stay. Do yourself a favor, and start first with the love you have for ME… listen to what you are saying to yourself, to what you need… and then determine if this relationship and this person is ‘right’ for you.

Personal purge

Was going through a box of old papers and filings and such today when I came across an old notebook of mine. In this notebook are writings of a very disturbed late teenager.

Those who know anything about me know that my mid to late teens were a very tumultuous time in my life. I've been on my own since I was 15 and sometimes life was far less than rosy.

Over the next little while, as time tickles my fancy and I feel as though I can relate in some way, shape or form I will be recreating those writings here on my blog. My public exposure in existence.

You may find some of the writings quite dark and possibly disturbing and will likely detect a theme. They are nothing if not a glimpse into the mind of a late teenage girl and her life, and maybe a glance into the foundations of who I am today.

Golf Poem - Anon

In my hand I hold a ball,
White and dimpled and rather small.
Oh how bland it does appear,
This harmless looking little sphere.
By it's size I could not guess,
Of the Awesome strength it does possess.
But since I fell beneath it's spell,
I've wandered through the fires of Hell.
My life has not been quite the same,
Since I chose to play this stupid game.
It rules my mind for hours on end,
A fortune it has made me spend.
It has made me curse
And made me cry,
And hate myself and want to die.
It promises me a thing called par
If I hit it straight and far.
To master such a tiny ball,
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses
And does exactly as it chooses.
It hoooks an dslices, dribbles and dies
And disappears before my eyes.
Often it will have a whim
To hit a tree or take a swim.
With miles of hgrass on which to land
It finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul
If only it would find the hole.
It's made me whimper like a pup
And swear that I will give it up.
And to take to drink to ease my sorrow.
But the ball knows
I'll be back tomorrow

It's raining, it's pouring.
The old man is snoring...

And maybe I should be too...

My one week vacation has hit it's mid-point and the weather and my health are not cooperating. It's an absolutely dreary day out there bone that promises a steady, all day, non-stop (redundant much?) rain.

Still in Haileybury which is a beautiful little town really. But might head home today. I can read here, or I can do the same in the comfort of my own place. It might be good for me as I haven't spent much time there anyhow.

My lungs are full of crap and I've been feverish on and off since the start of this little road trip. Maybe my body is telling me I should have just stayed home? Regardless I wish it would just make its point and move on because frankly I'm a wee bit tired of feeling like crap! Not that it's stopped me. I do believe I've still participated fully in everything. That's what I do after all

Right now though I am going to participate fully in my book and bed.

Flawed Relationships

Is every relationship flawed? 

Think about it.  They all start with an impression that leads to an expectation.  As much as that impression my be truthful, is it ever whole if it is based on creating that good impression?

Are you really, truly you when that connection is made in the early stages?

And if you aren't, and there is that connection, do you maintain that impression or risk the real you?

At what point do you pass that point of no return?

And if you choose to pass it can you ever go back?  If you don't is it a lie, or just growth?  Or perhap who you've become?

And when faced with that choice what will you do?

Summer of....Life

I refuse to believe that summer is nearing an end.  I'm not ready to go beyond what has likely been one of the best summers ever!  At least in recent memory.  Can't I hold on just a little longer?  Extend the inevitable indefinitely?

Sure, it's only mid-August but commercials tout back to school and stores everywhere display Halloween paraphenalia and worse - winter wear!  The bright palette of summer has been replaced by the earthy colours of fall and the blacks and greys of winter.

The days grow shorter.  The suns rays not so bright and warm.  There is a briskness to the breeze that bears cooler evenings.  People are layered.  The sand cold on my feet.

One can only hope for an Indian summer that lasts through November....

Making Love Work

A few excerpts that resonated from this article:

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/life/make+love+work/3345608/story.html

When it won't work...
"They teach you false lessons about yourself and make you feel inadequate in areas where you really weren't."
"A person who doesn't like the way you naturally are is the perfect person to make you feel bad about yourself."

When it will work...
"The best thing is to be in the presence of soemone who celebrates and admires you."

To keep it working:
"Allow the other person to disagree with you remembering that it's not a personal attack."

Ah, the stuff that resonates for whatever reason....

Do what you do

Ever wonder why you do the things you do?
Say the things you say?
Act how you act?
Feel how you feel?

Is it with purpose?
Or passion?
Or just reaction?

Had dinner with a couple old friends tonight. Ok not old but definitely long term. Those you never grow apart from regardless of how long you've been apart. Each time you get together its like you've never missed a beat. You just pick up where you left off. The feeling is mutual and it's one of those comforts. Like going home to a place you can really call home.

It's been an interesting night of stories and reflection. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. And when it does come out even then it's with guardianship.

Even the closest of friends keep things close.

Tomorrow's Tomorrow's Friday!

I love that saying!  So many people, so confused!

Hump day of a short week already.  Was supposed to play volleyball last night but we got rained out.  We did however still participate in pre and post game beers and everything in between!  Great times!  However, doesn't make for the most productive of Wednesdays!

Working on a problem I can't figure out, in a technology I'm not a fan of (likely because I can't figure it out...).  Procrastination it is!

Think I slightly pulled a quad - the outer one - or a hip flexor, or something in between.  I'm going to blame baseball! ;)  Was probably a good thing vball was cancelled last night as I could use the rest for ball on Thurdsay and a crazy vball weekend at Tremblant coming up.

Cheers to a good time!!

New

Was up before the crack of dawn this morning.  Likely earlier than that if you count my previous 5 awakenings.  Couldn't sleep so grabbed the runners and away I went.  Me, my tunes and a sleepy city just getting started.  Walked the neighbourhood.  It's actually a nice spot.  I had no idea the communitiy existed!

Note the 5 awakenings throughout the night.  Why?  Well that's a good question and one I believe I know the answer to, but have yet to admit.  In previous posts I've mentioned being alone and then in a subsequent post how much I like to be touched - it's the little things.  Well, one cannot exist with the other.  (Alright, I suppose it can, but it's just not the same!) 

So, what's acceptable and what isn't? 
How much can you have of another person and still be alone? 
Should you avoid something that feels good even though others warn you and maybe somewhere in your own head there's a voice telling you the same? 
If you have something with one person, is it right to take something of someone else? 
How much time spent with one person without a firm commitment is too much? 
How can you expect something of someone else when you aren't willing to expect the same from yourself?
How do you know what's out there if you don't put yourself out there?
And how do you know you aren't passing something up you shouldn't be for something that isn't there?


It's quite apparent I need more sleep....

Vacant stuff...with a little personal on the side.

Another beautifuil weekend passes.  Are they ever long enough?

Went rafting with a bunch of new peeps.  All great people.  We had a great time!  (OK, so I can't speak for them, only myself, but still...)  Seriously, how can you go wrong with camping, volleyball, swimming, games, dancing, beer, rafting and tons of laughs? 

A good friend has always said "You can't beat fun for a good time!"  Simple, sort of, yet so true!

Slowly getting settled into the condo.  Honestly, I need more hours in the day.  Actually, that's not true.  There are plenty of hours and if I had my priorities different I am certain I could find more time.  But really, it's summer and there's volleyball and softball to be played!  The season is too short as it is!  I can always find time for playing house later.  Besides, does one really need furniture to eat off of if all you have in your fridge/cupboards is beer, water and coffee?

Was actually pretty proud of myself...Furniture arrived on Friday morning - disassembled!!  It took me a little while, but I managed to get my bed together!!  I only had a few extra screws.  It has passed the one night's sleep test and so far so good!  OK, so it was just me and it didn't really get a workout but hey - I didn't end up on the floor! ;)

I've learned I am a person who likes to be touched.  I mean, I like hugs and human contact.  A hand on a thigh, in the small of my back; a finger lightly caressing sides; hands gently intertwined.... It's not much, but it makes me feel alive, and lets both of us know we're there.

Randoms

It's an absolutely gorgeous day out there!!  Wishing I was soaking it up instead of inside my fish bowl.

A friend has been recently diagnosed with 6th nerve palsy.  She has double vision and can't drive.  She is awaiting an MRI.  I'm heading across town to pick her up for lunch.  She loves sushi and hasn't been able to get out seeing double and all that.  That's just the kind of friend I am!

Today is one of those 'mischievous' days.  I get these often.  Where I find myself with a little smirk on my face and a twinkle in my eye.  I don't know where this comes from.  But I like it!!

And energy!?!?  Where is this coming from??  I haven't slept well in weeks but yet I feel like the Energizer bunny!  Today I'm sparing vball back to back.  Bring it on!

Stephie out!

Starting to believe? I'd say. Jumped in with both feet. Thankfully, so far they are firmly planted.

Experiencing the first of what I believe will be many. In the last 15 years I've been on my own - alone - a total of less than 4 months. Always with another voice there telling me who I was. Who I should be.

The silence is deafening yet peaceful and calm all at the same time.

I'd say "go figure". But I know. It's why I'm here.

Risk

I'm new...bear with me.

An anonymous piece of work I read many, many years ago and I still remember profoundly today...

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your ideas, your dreams,
before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the
greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The people who risk nothing, do nothing,
have nothing, are nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, love, live.
Chained by their attitudes they are slaves;
they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

------
Perhaps the beginning of truly believing.